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A friend was recently complaining about her lack of sleep. She lives in an apartment with two shared walls and one of those shared walls happens to be in her bedroom. The neighbors on the other side of that wall? A lovely couple who have the loudest sex ever.
As I have a good deal of experience in this funny area, I was only happy to help. Back when I first started blogging for Smitten (almost two years ago!) I told you dolls that my then neighbors liked to hoot and holler during their hooking up sessions. Which happened on the regular. I've since moved to the suburbs where I (happily) don't have to worry about being loud during sex or worse, listening to my neighbors get their freak on. Here are my favorite ways to deal with nookie-noisy neighbors:
1. Leave an anonymous passive aggressive sticky note on their front door. Something like, "Please keep it down when getting down. Some of us are trying to sleep at 3AM," should do the trick.
2. Find the most unsexy song or recording in your music library and play at full blast it with the speakers pressed up against your shared wall. I have a very riveting mp3 of one of my professors reading The Canterbury Tales. In Middle English. Other tunes to consider: holiday songs, books on CD, TV theme songs and soundtracks from musicals.
3. Invest in a box of comfy earplugs.
4. Whenever they get too loud, rearrange your furniture. Stomp around the house. Have a drum circle party with your favorite pots and wooden spoons. When they stop their noise making to listen—and they will—stop your noise making. When they start back up—and they will—follow suit and get noisy again. Repeat. Another variation worth giving a go: friend used to bounce super balls off the common wall until his neighbors stopped shouting their dirty talk.
5. Fight fire with fire. Have equally loud sex. (See Forgetting Sarah Marshall for some fun tips on this technique) Or just make loud sexy sounds. Even if it doesn't work, projecting your grunting and moaning is sure to make you giggle.
6. Try a sound machine.
7. If it's not too weird (honestly, though, no matter how you shake it's going to be weird), say something to a member of the couple in the common areas of your building. You could try something like, "The walls in the building are so thin aren't they? I always hear everything, don't you? Someone should really tell Mr. Perkins in 3B that he needs to turn down the TV during Top Shot. Doesn't it drive you crazy how loud our neighbors can be? Especially late at night?"
Of course we should be happy for those having awesomely loud sex on a regular basis but when your own sleep gets interrupted by raucous rolls in the hay, drastic measures are occasionally necessary.
Have you ever had neighbors who have ridiculously loud sex? How'd you deal? I was a big fan of stomping around the apartment (my loud neighbors lived below me) in heels or boots. Or maybe you've been the noisy neighbor?
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( 3 / 770 )The walls are thin and they are loud! Sex in the City. New York City
> Oh no! This was for real. 15mins when they were done I heard them leave the room.
> my mom was going at it in the living room with a friend she thought i was sleep
> it happened to me today at 7 30 am all i heard was *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* and *girl scream*
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( 3 / 798 )By Chin Lu
Is your apartment “historically charming” — as in it’s too old to have proper soundproofing? Is your residential building incredibly close to the ones next to it? The answer to both questions is yes because you live in San Francisco. And because you live in San Francisco, you most likely have had the experience of being awakened by the sounds of your neighbors getting it on in the wee hours of the morning. Or you’ve had your potluck awkwardly interrupted by the couple in the throes of passion next door. It’s not just the racket penetrating the plaster; there are also the physical vibrations that come with the screwing telltale wall shakes I’ve nicknamed “sexquakes.” I’ve lived in the Mission for two years and Berkeley for four, so I’ve had my share of screaming orgasms, squeaky bedsprings and pounding headboards that didn’t come from anything I was doing. I’ve used those experiences to develop some coping mechanisms that I’m happy to share.
Crank the volume on the most depressing song you own. I suggest someting by Bright Eyes, as the dude practically cries through most of his songs. Or play the national anthems of select countries. (You always were curious about New Zealand’s!) NOTE: Do not play angry rock songs, as those may inadvertently turn your neighbors on.
For every time you’re awakened by a neighbor’s theatrical humpathon, you get a free pass to host a loud party or belt out all of Justin Bieber’s hits at 7:00 a.m., and they are not allowed to complain.
Whenever you hear a libidinal peep, instigate a group chat with your other roommates or neighbors whereby you share play by play highlights and rate the performance on the other side of your wall. Score the frisky duo on endurance, creativity with dirty words, how much you think their faking it, etc.
Whatever the neighbors are doing, you can do better. Currently partnerless? No problem. Practice moaning, yelping, trilling and yodeling until you can orchestrate a pornographic chorus to what’s going down behind closed doors. Soon enough the real perpetrators will realize that they have an audience. Extra points if you can harmonize or sync your rhythm with theirs.
Think positive — aren’t you glad that in a big city where it can take years to get to know the people around you, you’re on the fast track to knowing your neighbors so intimately? Say to yourself, “That Bob! He used to shoot his load so quickly! He really increased his timing that second round. By golly, I’m so happy for him!” Or “Geez whiz! Sounds like Lisa got a new lover! Good for her. That last one sounded like a barking sea lion.”
Take the aforementioned “positive thoughts” surrounding the newly acquired knowledge about your neighbors and drop them into small talk to passive-aggressively shame them into keeping a lid on it. For example:Pretend you’ve been living under a rock and do not recognize sounds resulting from sexual intercourse, mistaking them instead for cries of pain. The next time you see your neighbor, wear a worried expression on your face and feign concern for the possible emergencies occurring in their bedroom, like “Hey, Riley, it sounded like someone was being choked in your bedroom — from like 1:00 to 2:00 a.m. Is everyone all right?” Frowny face is key here.
Buy earplugs and move your bed into the kitchen. Look, I get it. Sometimes we’ve gotta get laid, but other times we need a good night’s sleep. We get our turns at both eventually. It’s just a matter of having mutual respect between people sharing walls. I’ll close with a final piece of advice, a quote by the wise Trey Songz from his masterpiece “Neighbors Know My Name”: “Take this pillow right here—grab this. And I know you’re so excited if you bite it, they won’t hear. ”
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( 3.1 / 745 )1. Remember, you’re not alone. Many people live in close quarters or visit thin-walled places. View this predicament as a common challenge, and have faith that you, too, can find solutions that work.
2. Know that it’s natural for you to feel embarrassed. Your embarrassment may be directly related to how mortified you’d be if you discovered that you’d been overheard. Yikes! Give yourself points for being so proper and polite.
3. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Certainly there are those who might thrill at making public displays. But most people are shy about discussing the details of their sex lives, instead of the type who would shout it out. The root of the problem is that too many people are naïve about how well such sounds travel through open windows, thin walls, floors, ceilings, parked vehicles, tent fabric, and across fields of daisies.
4. Accept that it’s normal to be turned on when you hear sex noises. Your brain is wired with mirror neurons, which make you automatically imitate the physiology, actions, and emotions of others. They yawn, you yawn. They’re aroused, you’re aroused. You’re not a perv.
5. Keep perspective. Acknowledge that sex is a normal, natural, pleasurable, and often blessed act involving love. And love makes the world go ‘round, right? In fact, hearing noisy sex is far less stressful than hearing a couple scream angrily at each other. And the episode won’t last as long as a colicky baby or a lonely barking dog. Awwww. On the other hand, you'd be a hero to those neighbors if you could gently, helpfully intervene by offering to hold their baby or play with their dog. Intervening about the sex would not be so well-received. Still, you could....
6. Ask them to change their ways. If you are desperate enough or brave enough to intervene, you could write an anonymous note and post it where they’ll see it. Remember, you get more flies with honey than vinegar.
7. Change your ways. This strategy is generally most successful and Zen-like. It mainly consists of blocking the noise at your end. Shut your own windows. Install your own soundproofing. Procure noise-cancelling headphones. Move to a deserted island. Other noise-blockers of varying effectiveness include earplugs, listening to music, running the vacuum cleaner, turning on a window fan, or even getting out and going for a walk. Of course, being awakened in the middle of the night reduces your options, but earplugs and/or using a fan or white noise machine might do the trick.
You can also geek out on the evolutionary science of our mammalian tendencies. Some researchers postulate that noisy sex can be adaptive; perhaps female vocalizations encourage the partner to keep up the good work as well as enhancing the partner’s pleasure. And voilà!
8. Enlist outside intervention. For example, you could alert an apartment complex manager and ask them to handle it. Or talk to other neighbors for support and strength in numbers. Some people resort to calling the police, but this should be a last resort. Loud sex is not exactly an emergency, unless you’re chronically distressed, sleep deprived, or think someone’s safety is at risk. Then, don’t hesitate to call 911!
9. Contemplate this: Do you have loud sex? Given the pervasiveness of this problem, it's quite possible. Remember, it's common courtesy to refrain from invading others’ private spaces with vociferous displays of your private activities. Be a good neighbor and practice self-awareness, monitor your noise levels, use soundproofing, and be respectful of others. This courtesy is especially important for multi-generational family households.
10. Alternatively, embrace the loud sex. If this works for you and your living situation, take it in stride as a fact of life. And if your nearest neighbors are noisy, this grants permission for you to be noisy too. Back atcha! If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! Of course, you risk embarrassing yourself and others. Though, wouldn’t that be sweet justice—if the loudest offenders, the ones who drew you over to the dark side, ended up tacking a note on your door? Let the hilarity ensue!
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