I live in an apartment with stereotypical “thin walls” and with frequently noisy neighbors. This isn’t a complaint. I actually enjoy hearing them have sex and commonly masturbate while listening.

I recently had a friend over, during which time we overheard the neighbors going at it. My friend commented that it must be so annoying to have neighbors like that, but I confessed that I enjoyed it and would sometimes masturbate to it. My friend was very offended by this—she thought it was a massive invasion of the neighbors’ privacy and equated it to hiding in their closet.

My belief is that since the neighbors would understand the limited soundproofing of the building, they then concede the right to auditory privacy when they’re very loud. So as long as I am within the confines of my own apartment and not trying to actively record them or use some sort of sound-enhancing equipment, I have not invaded anyone’s privacy. Have I overstepped, or am I in the clear?

A friend was recently complaining about her lack of sleep. She lives in an apartment with two shared walls and one of those shared walls happens to be in her bedroom. The neighbors on the other side of that wall? A lovely couple who have the loudest sex ever.

As I have a good deal of experience in this funny area, I was only happy to help. Back when I first started blogging for Smitten (almost two years ago!) I told you dolls that my then neighbors liked to hoot and holler during their hooking up sessions. Which happened on the regular. I've since moved to the suburbs where I (happily) don't have to worry about being loud during sex or worse, listening to my neighbors get their freak on. Here are my favorite ways to deal with nookie-noisy neighbors:

1. Leave an anonymous passive aggressive sticky note on their front door. Something like, "Please keep it down when getting down. Some of us are trying to sleep at 3AM," should do the trick.

2. Find the most unsexy song or recording in your music library and play at full blast it with the speakers pressed up against your shared wall. I have a very riveting mp3 of one of my professors reading The Canterbury Tales. In Middle English. Other tunes to consider: holiday songs, books on CD, TV theme songs and soundtracks from musicals.

3. Invest in a box of comfy earplugs.

4. Whenever they get too loud, rearrange your furniture. Stomp around the house. Have a drum circle party with your favorite pots and wooden spoons. When they stop their noise making to listen—and they will—stop your noise making. When they start back up—and they will—follow suit and get noisy again. Repeat. Another variation worth giving a go: friend used to bounce super balls off the common wall until his neighbors stopped shouting their dirty talk.

5. Fight fire with fire. Have equally loud sex. (See Forgetting Sarah Marshall for some fun tips on this technique) Or just make loud sexy sounds. Even if it doesn't work, projecting your grunting and moaning is sure to make you giggle.

6. Try a sound machine.

7. If it's not too weird (honestly, though, no matter how you shake it's going to be weird), say something to a member of the couple in the common areas of your building. You could try something like, "The walls in the building are so thin aren't they? I always hear everything, don't you? Someone should really tell Mr. Perkins in 3B that he needs to turn down the TV during Top Shot. Doesn't it drive you crazy how loud our neighbors can be? Especially late at night?"

Of course we should be happy for those having awesomely loud sex on a regular basis but when your own sleep gets interrupted by raucous rolls in the hay, drastic measures are occasionally necessary.

Have you ever had neighbors who have ridiculously loud sex? How'd you deal? I was a big fan of stomping around the apartment (my loud neighbors lived below me) in heels or boots. Or maybe you've been the noisy neighbor?

The walls are thin and they are loud! Sex in the City. New York City

Is your apartment “historically charming” — as in it’s too old to have proper soundproofing? Is your residential building incredibly close to the ones next to it? The answer to both questions is yes because you live in San Francisco. And because you live in San Francisco, you most likely have had the experience of being awakened by the sounds of your neighbors getting it on in the wee hours of the morning. Or you’ve had your potluck awkwardly interrupted by the couple in the throes of passion next door. It’s not just the racket penetrating the plaster; there are also the physical vibrations that come with the screwing telltale wall shakes I’ve nicknamed “sexquakes.” I’ve lived in the Mission for two years and Berkeley for four, so I’ve had my share of screaming orgasms, squeaky bedsprings and pounding headboards that didn’t come from anything I was doing. I’ve used those experiences to develop some coping mechanisms that I’m happy to share.

Crank the volume on the most depressing song you own. I suggest someting by Bright Eyes, as the dude practically cries through most of his songs. Or play the national anthems of select countries. (You always were curious about New Zealand’s!) NOTE: Do not play angry rock songs, as those may inadvertently turn your neighbors on.

For every time you’re awakened by a neighbor’s theatrical humpathon, you get a free pass to host a loud party or belt out all of Justin Bieber’s hits at 7:00 a.m., and they are not allowed to complain.

Whenever you hear a libidinal peep, instigate a group chat with your other roommates or neighbors whereby you share play by play highlights and rate the performance on the other side of your wall. Score the frisky duo on endurance, creativity with dirty words, how much you think their faking it, etc.

Whatever the neighbors are doing, you can do better. Currently partnerless? No problem. Practice moaning, yelping, trilling and yodeling until you can orchestrate a pornographic chorus to what’s going down behind closed doors. Soon enough the real perpetrators will realize that they have an audience. Extra points if you can harmonize or sync your rhythm with theirs.

Think positive — aren’t you glad that in a big city where it can take years to get to know the people around you, you’re on the fast track to knowing your neighbors so intimately? Say to yourself, “That Bob! He used to shoot his load so quickly! He really increased his timing that second round. By golly, I’m so happy for him!” Or “Geez whiz! Sounds like Lisa got a new lover! Good for her. That last one sounded like a barking sea lion.”

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